Transcriber’s Note

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Nonsense for Old and Young.

Nonsense FOR Old and Young By EUGENE FIELD

Illustrated by JOHN C. FROHN

BOSTON Henry A. Dickerman & Son PUBLISHERS

MCMI

Copyright 1901, by Henry A. Dickerman & Son.

“A little nonsense now and then, Is relished by the best of men.”

Oliver ❦Wendell Holmes.

A Foreword.

In compiling this volume we have endeavored to add pictorially to the amusement in these funny conceits from Field’s versatile brain.

The majority of the sketches herein, appeared in the Denver Tribune, under the title of The Tribune Primer, with various sub-titles, beginning Monday, Oct. 10, 1881, and ending Monday, Dec. 19, of the same year. The entire number of these quips was about 162, of which 94 were first published in book form as The Tribune Primer, in 1881. The balance, with the exception of five which are so local in their application that they have now lost some of their fine sarcastic humor, we here present for the first time with illustrations.

In their original form the sketches were designated by Roman Numerals instead of titles and were made up of short sentences, with a liberal display of capital letters after the style of first lessons in reading for children.

The Publishers.

Nonsense for Old & Young.

One Autumn Night.

A Portrait of a Lady.

Here we have a Lady. She was at a Party last Night, and the Paper spoke of her as the Amiable and Accomplished Wife of our Respected Fellow Citizen. Our Respected Fellow Citizen is now as Full as a Tick, and his Amiable and Accomplished Wife is Walloping him with the Rolling Pin. The Lady seems to be more Accomplished than Amiable.

Would You?

Is this a Picture of an Actress? No, it is a Picture of a Boodle Politician. Is it not Beautiful? The left Eye is Closed. It must be Tired. He is Sitting on a Barrel. It must be a Barrel of Jam. Would you like to get your Little Hand into the Barrel? We Would.

Good James and Naughty Reginald.

Once upon a Time there was a Bad boy whose Name was Reginald and there was a Good boy whose Name was James. Reginald would go Fishing when his Mamma told him Not to, and he Cut off the Cat’s Tail with the Bread Knife one Day, and then told Mamma the Baby had Driven it in with the Rolling Pin, which was a Lie. James was always Obedient, and when his Mamma told him not to Help an old Blind Man across the street or Go into a Dark Room where the Boogies were, he always Did What She said. That is why they Called him Good James. Well, by and by, along Came Christmas. Mamma said, You have been so Bad, my son Reginald, you will not Get any Presents from Santa Claus this Year; but you, my Son James, will get Oodles of Presents, because you have Been Good. Will you Believe it, Children, that Bad boy Reginald said he didn’t Care a Darn and he Kicked three Feet of Veneering off the Piano just for Meanness. Poor James was so sorry for Reginald that he cried for Half an Hour after he Went to Bed that Night. Reginald lay wide Awake until he saw James was Asleep and then he Said if these people think they can Fool me, they are Mistaken. Just then Santa Claus came down the Chimney. He had lots of Pretty Toys in a Sack on his Back. Reginald shut his Eyes and Pretended to be Asleep. Then Santa Claus Said, Reginald is Bad and I will not Put any nice Things in his Stocking. But as for you, James, I will Fill your Stocking Plumb full of Toys, because You are Good. So Santa Claus went to Work and Put, Oh! heaps and Heaps of Goodies in James’ stocking but not a Sign of a Thing in Reginald’s stocking. And then he Laughed to himself and Said, I guess Reginald will be Sorry to-morrow because he Was so Bad. As he said this he Crawled up the chimney and rode off in his Sleigh. Now you can Bet your Boots Reginald was no Spring Chicken. He just Got right Straight out of Bed and changed all those Toys and Truck from James’ stocking into his own. Santa Claus will Have to Sit up all Night, said He, when he Expects to get away with my Baggage. The next morning James got out of Bed and when He had Said his Prayers he Limped over to his Stocking, licking his chops and Carrying his Head as High as a Bull going through a Brush Fence. But when he found there was Nothing in his stocking and that Reginald’s Stocking was as Full as Papa Is when he comes home Late from the Office, he Sat down on the Floor and began to Wonder why on Earth he had Been such a Good boy. Reginald spent a Happy Christmas and James was very Miserable. After all, Children, it Pays to be Bad, so Long as you Combine Intellect with Crime.

His Busy Day.

This Man is very Busy. He is pushed for Time. He looks as if he had more on his Hands than he could accomplish. We feel Sorry for him. He has an Important Engagement to Keep, and he is Hurrying up Matters to Meet it. He is to be Hung at Noon to-morrow.

The Joyful Whirligig.

Here is a Sewing Machine. It was Made for little Children to play with. Put your Feet on the Treadles and Make the Wheels go round Fast. See how the Thread unwinds and the Needle bobs up and down! This is Lots of Fun. Do not Deny baby the privilege of Putting his Fat little Finger under the Needle. It will Make pretty holes in the Finger and give Baby something to occupy his Attention for a Long time.

A Fairy Tale.

Here we have Papa’s watch. There is a Fairy in the Watch. Would you Like to Hear her Sing? If you will Drop the Watch on the Floor, the Fairy in the Watch will Sing the Prettiest little Song you ever Heard and all the Wheels will Buzz just as Funny as can Be. When papa Comes home and finds the Fairy has been Singing, maybe he will Ask you to Step out into the Woodshed with him on a Matter of Business.