Mr. Punch's History of the Great War
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PRE-ISBN.Extract taken from pgs xiv - xv of the Prologue:"Yet Mr Punch does not wish to lay claim to any special prescience or wisdom, for, in spite of lucid intervals of foresight, we were all deceived by Germany. Nearly fifty years of peace had blinded us to fifty years of relentless preparation for war. But if we were deceived by the treachery of Germany’s false professions, we had no monopoly of illusion. Germany made the huge mistake of believing that we would stand out – that we dared not support France in the face of our troubles and divisions at home. She counted on the pacific influen...
Chapters (233)
- Mr. PUNCH'S
- HISTORY OF THE GREAT WAR
- 1919
- PEACE--THE SOWER
- TO THE READER
- PROLOGUE
- GAUL TO THE NEW CÆSAR "Defiance, Emperor, while I have strength to hurl it!" (Dec. 17, 1870)
- THE REWARD OF (DE)MERIT King Punch presenteth Prussia with the Order of "St. Gibbet." (May 7, 1864)
- "AU REVOIR!" GERMANY: "Farewell, Madam, and if--" FRANCE: "Ha! We shall meet again!" (Sept. 27, 1873.)
- THE STORY OF FIDGETY WILHELM (Up-to-date Version of "Struwwelpeter") "Let me see if Wilhelm can Be a little gentleman; Let me see if he is able To sit still for once at table!" "But Fidgety Will He won't sit still." Just like any bucking horse. "Wilhelm! We are getting cross!" Feb. 1, 1896.
- THE SOWER OF TARES (After Millais, Aug. 23, 1905)
- SOLID GERMANY: "Donnerwetter! It's rock. I thought it was going to be paper." (Aug. 2, 1911)
- Mr. PUNCH'S HISTORY of the GREAT WAR
- August, 1914.
- BRAVO, BELGIUM!
- MEDICAL OFFICER: "Sorry I must reject you on account of your teeth." WOULD-BE-RECRUIT: "Man, ye're making a gran' mistake. I'm no wanting to bite the Germans, I'm wanting to shoot 'em."
- September, 1914.
- GOD (AND THE WOMEN) OUR SHIELD Study of a German Gentleman going into Action
- PORTER: "Do I know if the Rooshuns has really come to England? Well, sir, if this don't prove it, I don't know what do. A train went through here full, and when it came back I knowed there'd been Rooshuns in it, 'cause the cushions and floors was covered with snow."
- UNCONQUERABLE THE KAISER: "So, you see--you've lost everything." THE KING OF THE BELGIANS: "Not my soul."
- October, 1914.
- THE BULL-DOG BREED OFFICER: "Now, my lad, do you know what you are placed here for?" RECRUIT: "To prevent the henemy from landin', sir." OFFICER: "And do you think you could prevent him landing all by yourself?" RECRUIT: "Don't know, sir, I'm sure. But I'd have a damn good try!"
- November, 1914.
- THE EXCURSIONIST TRIPPER WILHELM: "First Class to Paris." CLERK: "Line blocked." WILHELM: "Then make it Warsaw." CLERK: "Line blocked." WILHELM: "Well, what about Calais?" CLERK: "Line blocked." WILHELM: "Hang it! I must go somewhere! I promised my people I would."
- T.B.D. OFFICER'S STEWARD: "Will you take your bath, sir, before or after haction?"
- December, 1914.
- THE CHILDREN'S PEACE PEACE: "I'm glad that they, at least, have their Christmas unspoiled."
- POMPOUS LADY: "I shall descend at Knightsbridge." TOMMY (aside): "Takes 'erself for a bloomin' Zeppelin!"
- January, 1915.
- THE FLIGHT THAT FAILED THE EMPEROR: "What! No babes, Sirrah?" THE MURDERER: "Alas, Sire, none." THE EMPEROR: "Well, then, no babes, no iron crosses." (Exit murderer, discouraged.)
- THE SHIRKERS' WAR NEWS "There! What did I tell you? Northdown Lambs beaten--two to nothing."
- February, 1915.
- RUNNING AMOK GERMAN BULL: "I know I'm making a rotten exhibition of myself; but I shall tell everybody I was goaded into it."
- STUDY OF A PRUSSIAN HOUSEHOLD HAVING ITS MORNING HATE
- March, 1915.
- WILLIAM O' THE WISP
- THE WAR SPIRIT AT THE BRITISH MUSEUM ARDENT EGYPTOLOGIST (who has lately joined the Civic Guard): "No, I seem to have lost my enthusiasm for this group since I noticed Bes-Hathor-Horus was out of step with the other two."
- April, 1915.
- THE HAUNTED SHIP GHOST OF THE OLD PILOT: "I wonder if he would drop me now!"
- May, 1915.
- AN OMEN OF 1908 Reproduced from "Christmas Cards for Celebrities," in Mr. Punch's Almanack of that year
- HAMLET U.S.A. SCENE: The Ramparts of the White House. PRESIDENT WILSON: "The time is out of joint, O cursed spite, That ever I was born to set it right!" VOICE OF ROOSEVELT (off): "That's so!"
- THE REWARD OF KULTUR
- VICTORY IN GALLIPOLI. LATE WIRE FROM CHESTER.
- June, 1915.
- ON THE BLACK LIST KAISER (as executioner): "I'm going to hang you." PUNCH: " Oh, you are, are you? Well, you don't seem to know how the scene ends. It's the hangman that gets hanged."
- SOME BIRD THE RETURNING DOVE (to President Woodrow Noah): "Nothing doing." THE EAGLE: "Say, Boss, what's the matter with trying me?"
- July, 1915.
- FIRST TRAWLER SKIPPER (to friend who is due to sail by next tide): "Are ye takin' any precautions against these submarines, Jock?" SECOND SKIPPER: "Ay! Although I've been in the habit o' carryin' my bits of bawbees wi' me, I went an' bankit them this mornin', an' I'm no taking ma best oilskins or ma new seaboots." FIRST SKIPPER; " Oh, you're a'richt then. Ye'll hae practically nothin' tae lose but yer life."
- THE OLD MAN OF THE SEA SINBAD THE KAISER: "This submarine business is going to get me into trouble with America; but what can an All-Powerful do with a thing like this on his back?"
- August, 1915.
- AFTER ONE YEAR
- OFFICER (to boy of thirteen who, in his effort to get taken on as a bugler, has given his age as sixteen): "Do you know where boys go who tell lies?" APPLICANT: "To the Front, sir."
- September, 1915.
- THE UNSINKABLE TIRP GERMAN CHANCELLOR: "Well, thank Heaven, that's the last of Tirpitz." TIRPITZ (reappearing): "I don't think!"
- A HANDY MAN MARINE;(somewhat late for parade: "At six o'clock I was a bloomin' 'ousemaid: at seven o'clock I was a bloomin' valet; at eight o'clock I was a bloomin' waiter; an' now I'm a bloomin' soldier!"
- October, 1915.
- REALISATION ("When I went to Bulgaria I resolved that if there were to be any assassinations I would be on the side of the assassins." STATEMENT BY FERDINAND.)
- LANDLADY; "'Ere's the Zeppelins, sir!" LODGER: "Right-o! Put 'em down outside."
- November, 1915.
- THE PERSUADING OF TINO
- PADDY (who has had his periscope smashed by a bullet): "Sure there's seven years' bad luck for the poor devil that broke that, anyhow."
- December, 1915
- AN UNAUTHORISED FLIRTATION THE KAISER (to Austrian Emperor): "Franz! Franz! I'm surprised and pained."
- TOMMY (finding a German prisoner who speaks English): "Look what you done to me, you blighters! 'Ere--'ave a cigarette?"
- January, 1916.
- TOMMY (dictating letter to be sent to his wife): "The nurses here are a very plain lot--" NURSE: "Oh, come! I say! That's not very polite to us." TOMMY: "Never mind. Nurse, put it down. It'll please her!"
- February, 1916.
- THE CHALLENGE "Halt! Who comes there?" "Neutral." "Prove it!" "What I would say to Neutrals is this: Do they admit our right to apply the principles which were applied by the American Government in the war between North and South--to apply those principles to modern conditions and to do our best to prevent trade with the enemy through neutral countries? If the answer is that we are not entitled to do that, then I must say definitely it is a departure from neutrality."--SIR EDWARD GREY.
- GRANNIE (dragged out of bed at 1.30 a.m., and being hurriedly dressed as the bombs begin to fall): "Nancy, these stockings are not a pair."
- FIRST LADY: "That's one of them Australian soldiers." SECOND LADY: "How do you know?" FIRST LADY: "Why, can't you see the Kangaroo feathers in his hat?"
- March, 1916.
- TO THE GLORY OF FRANCE Verdun, February-March, 1916
- "He's kicked the Corporal!"
- "He's kicked the Vet.!!"
- "He's kicked the Transport Officer!!!"
- "He's kicked the Colonel!!!!" MULE HUMOUR
- THE VICAR: "These Salonikans, Mrs. Stubbs, are, of course, the Thessalonians to whom St. Paul wrote his celebrated letters." MRS. STUBBS: "Well, I 'ope 'e'd better luck with 'is than I 'ave. I sent my boy out there three letters and two parcels, and I ain't got no answer to 'em yet."
- April, 1916.
- THE REPUDIATION Martin Luther (to Shakespeare): "I see my countrymen claim you as one of them. You may thank God that you're not that. They have made my Wittenberg--ay, and all Germany--to stink in my nostrils."
- THE GRAPES OF VERDUN THE OLD FOX: "You don't seem to be getting much nearer them?" THE CUB: "No, Father. Hadn't we better give it out that they're sour?"
- VISITOR (at Private Hospital): "Can I see Lieutenant Barker, please?" MATRON: "We do not allow ordinary visiting. May I ask if you are a relative?" VISITOR (boldly): "Oh, yes! I'm his sister." MATRON: "Dear me! I'm very glad to meet you. I'm his mother."
- May, 1916.
- HELD!
- WANTED--A ST. PATRICK ST. AUGUSTINE BIRRELL: "I'm afraid I'm not so smart as my brother-saint at dealing with this kind of thing. I'm apt to take reptiles too lightly."
- June, 1916.
- THE LOST CHIEF In Memory of Field-Marshal Earl Kitchener, Maker of Armies
- THE FAR-REACHING EFFECT OF THE RUSSIAN PUSH
- FARMER (who has got a lady-help in the dairy): "'Ullo, Missy, what in the world be ye doin'?" LADY: "Well, you told me to water the cows, and I'm doing it. They don't seem to like it much."
- July, 1916.
- "TWO HEADS WITH BUT A SINGLE THOUGHT" FIRST HEAD: "What prospects?" SECOND HEAD: "Rotten." FIRST HEAD: "Same here."
- WELL DONE, THE NEW ARMY
- CONJURER (unconscious of the approach of hostile aircraft): "Now, Ladies and Gentlemen, I want you to watch me closely."]
- August, 1916.
- THE BIG PUSH MUNITION WORKER: "Well, I'm not taking a holiday myself just yet, but I'm sending these kids of mine for a little trip on the Continent."
- THE CAPTAIN: "Your brother is doing splendidly in the Battalion. Before long he'll be our best man." THE SISTER: "Oh, Reginald! Really, this is so very sudden."
- MISTRESS (coming to maid's room as the Zeppelins approach): "Jane! Jane! Won't you come downstairs with the rest of us?" LITTLE MAID: "Oh, thank you, Mum, but I can see beautiful from here, Mum."
- September, 1916.
- THE SWEEPERS OF THE SEA. MR. PUNCH: "Risky work, isn't it?" TRAWLER SKIPPER: "That's why there's a hundred thousand of us doin' it."
- THE REJUVENATING EFFECT OF ZEPPELINS
- October, 1916.
- THE SUNLIGHT-LOSER KAISER (as his sainted Grandfather's clock strikes three): "The British are just putting their clocks back an hour. I wish I could put ours back about three years."
- COMRADES IN VICTORY Combles, September 26th POILU: "Bravo, mon vieux!" TOMMY: "Same to you, mate."
- MOTHER: "Come away, Jimmy! Maybe it ain't properly stuffed."
- November, 1916.
- HINDENBURGITIS; OR, THE PRUSSIAN HOME MADE BEAUTIFUL
- A STRAIN ON THE AFFECTIONS NORWEGIAN (to Swede): "What--you here, too. I thought you were a friend of Germany?" SWEDE: "I was."
- PAT (examining fare): "May the divil destroy the Germans!" SUB: "Well, they don't do you much harm, anyway. You don't get near enough to 'em." PAT: "Do they not, thin? Have they not kilt all the half-crown officers and left nothing but the shillin' ones?"
- December, 1916.
- THE RETURN OF THE MOCK TURTLE-DOVE
- THE BIRD: "Wouldn't even look at me!"
- THE NEW CONDUCTOR Opening of the 1917 Overture
- "Have you brought me any souvenirs?" "Only this little bullet that the doctor took out of my side." "I wish it had been a German helmet."
- January, 1917.
- THE DAWN OF DOUBT GRETCHEN: "I wonder if this gentleman really is my good angel after all!"
- COOK (who, after interview with prospective mistress, is going to think it over): "'Ullo! Prambilator! If you'd told me you 'ad children I needn't have troubled meself to 'ave come." THE PROSPECTIVE MISTRESS: " Oh! B-but if you think the place would otherwise suit you, I dare say we could board the children out."
- THE RECRUIT WHO TOOK TO IT KINDLY
- February, 1917.
- THE LAST THROW
- HEAD OF GOVERNMENT DEPARTMENT (in his private room in recently commandeered hotel): "Boy! Bring some more coal!"
- A PLAIN DUTY "Well, good-bye, old chap, and good luck! I'm going in here to do my bit, the best way I can. The more everybody scrapes together for the War Loan, the sooner you'll be back from the trenches."
- The Brothers Tingo, who are exempted from military service, do their bit by helping to train ladies who are going on the land.
- March, 1917.
- ALSO RAN WILHELM: "Are you luring them on, like me?" MEHMED: "I'm afraid I am!"
- THE INFECTIOUS HORNPIPE
- FOOD RESTRICTION SCENE: HOTEL. LITTLE GIRL: "Oh, Mummy! They've given me a dirty plate." MOTHER: "Hush, darling. That's the soup."
- April, 1917.
- THE NEW-COMER: "My village, I think?" THE ONE IN POSSESSION: "Sorry, old thing; I took it half-an-hour ago."
- SWOOPING FROM THE WEST (It is the intention of our new Ally to assist us in the patrolling of the Atlantic.)
- DYNASTIC AMENITIES LITTLE WILLIE (of Prussia): "As one Crown Prince to another, isn't your Hindenburg line getting a bit shaky?" RUPPRECHT (of Bavaria): "Well, as one Crown Prince to another, what about your Hohenzollern line?"
- TORPEDOED MINE-SWEEPER (to his pal): " As I was a-saying, Bob, when we was interrupted, it's my belief as 'ow the submarine blokes ain't on 'arf as risky a job as the boys in the airy-o-planes."
- May, 1917.
- "No, dear, I'm afraid we shan't be at the dance to-night. Poor Herbert has got a touch of allotment feet."
- A BAD DREAM SPECTRE: "Well, if you don't like the look of me, eat less bread."
- HIS LATEST! THE KAISER: "This is sorry work for a Hohenzollern; still, necessity knows no traditions."
- OUR PERSEVERING OFFICIALS Or, the Recruit that was passed at the thirteenth examination.
- June, 1917.
- A WORD OF ILL OMEN CROWN PRINCE (to Kaiser, drafting his next speech): "For Gott's sake, father, be careful this time, and don't call the American Army 'contemptible.'"
- MRS. GREEN TO MRS. JONES (who is gazing at an aeroplane): "My word! I shouldn't care for one of them flying things to settle on me."
- STAGE MANAGER: "The elephant's putting in a very spirited performance to-night." CARPENTER. "Yessir. You see, the new hind-legs is a discharged soldier, and the front legs is an out-and-out pacificist."
- July, 1917.
- THE TUBER'S REPARTEE GERMAN PIRATE; "Gott strafe England!" BRITISH POTATO: "Tuber über Alles!"
- THE SCRAPPER SCRAPPED
- BUSY CITY MAN TO HIS PARTNER (as one of the new air-raid warnings gets to work): " If you'll leave me in here for the warnings I'll carry on while you take shelter during the raids."
- GRANDPAPA (to small Teuton struggling with home-lessons): "Come, Fritz, is your task so difficult?" FRITZ: "It is indeed. I have to learn all the names of all the countries that misunderstand the All-Highest."
- August, 1917.
- RUSSIA'S DARK HOUR
- THE OPTIMIST "If this is the right village, then we're all right. The instructions is clear--Go past the post-office and sharp to the left afore you come to the church.'"
- DOCTOR: "Your throat is in a very bad state. Have you ever tried gargling with salt water?" SKIPPER: "Yus, I've been torpedoed six times."
- September, 1917.
- PERFECT INNOCENCE CONSTABLE WOODROW WILSON: "That's a very mischievous thing to do." SWEDEN: "Please, sir, I didn't know it was loaded."
- TRIALS OF A CAMOUFLAGE OFFICER SERGEANT-MAJOR: "Beg pardon, sir, I was to ask if you'd step up to the battery, sir." CAMOUFLAGE OFFICER: "What's the matter?" SERGEANT-MAJOR: "It's those painted grass screens, sir. The mules have eaten them."
- THE INSEPARABLE THE KAISER (to his people): "Do not listen to those who would sow dissension between us. I will never desert you."
- C.O. (to sentry): "Do you know the Defence Scheme for this sector of the line, my man?" TOMMY: "Yes, sir." C.O.: "Well, what is it, then?" TOMMY. "To stay 'ere an' fight like 'ell."
- October, 1917.
- THE DANCE OF DEATH THE KAISER: "Stop! I'm tired." DEATH: "I started at your bidding; I stop when I choose."
- A PLACE IN THE MOON HANS: "How beautiful a moon, my love, for showing up England to our gallant airmen!" GRETCHEN: "Yes, dearest, but may it not show up the Fatherland to the brutal enemy one of these nights?"
- STOUT LADY (discussing the best thing to do in an air-raid): "Well, I always runs about meself. You see, as my 'usband sez, an' very reasonable too, a movin' targit is more difficult to 'it."
- November, 1917.
- A GREAT INCENTIVE MEHMED (reading dispatch from the All-Highest): "Defend Jerusalem at all costs for my sake. I was once there myself."
- ONE UP!
- AUNT MARIA: "Do you know I once actually saw the Kaiser riding through the streets of London as bold as brass. If I'd known then what I know now I'd have told a policeman."
- December, 1917.
- BETRAYED THE PANDER: "Come on; come and be kissed by him."
- THE NEED OF MEN MR. PUNCH (to the Comber-out): "More power to your elbow, sir. But when are you going to fill up that silly gap?" SIR AUCKLAND GEDDES: "Hush! Hush! We're waiting for the Millennium."
- THE NEW LANGUAGE TOMMY (to inquisitive French children): "Nah, then, alley toot sweet, an the tooter the sweeter!"
- January, 1918.
- The ex-Kaiser is appointed to the post of official gatherer of scraps of paper.
- TO ALL AT HOME
- ORDERLY SERGEANT: "Lights out, there." VOICE FROM THE HUT: "It's the moon, Sergint." ORDERLY SERGEANT: "I don't give a d--- what it is. Put it out!"
- THE CIVILIAN AND THE WAR OFFICE
- February, 1918.
- THE LIBERATORS FIRST BOLSHEVIK: "Let me see; we've made an end of Law, Credit, Treaties, the Army and the Navy. Is there anything else to abolish?" SECOND BOLSHEVIK: "What about War?" FIRST BOLSHEVIK: "Good! And Peace too. Away with both of 'em!"
- SECRET DIPLOMACY WIFE: "George, there are two strange men digging up the garden." GEORGE: "It's all right, dear. A brainy idea of mine to get the garden dug up. I wrote an anonymous letter to the Food Controller and told him there was a large box of food buried there." WIFE: "Heavens! But there is!"
- INDIGNANT WAR-WORKER: "And she actually asked me if I didn't think I might be doing something! Me? And I haven't missed a charity matinée for the last three months."
- March, 1918.
- MADE IN GERMANY CIVILISATION: "What's that supposed to represent?" IMPERIAL ARTIST: "Why, 'Peace,' of course." CIVILISATION: "Well, I don't recognise it--and I never shall."
- THE COAT THAT DIDN'T COME OFF
- April, 1918.
- THE COMING ARMY FATHER: " Here's to the fighter of lucky eighteen!" SON: "And here's to the soldier of fifty!"
- THE DEATH LORD THE KAISER (on reading the appalling tale of German losses): "What matter, so we Hohenzollerns survive?"
- DRAKE'S WAY Zeebrugge, St. George's Day, 1918 ADMIRAL DRAKE (to Admiral Keyes): "Bravo, sir. Tradition holds. My men singed a King's beard, and yours have singed a Kaiser's moustache."
- THE POLITICIAN WHO ADDRESSED THE TROOPS
- May, 1918.
- THE THREATENED PEACE OFFENSIVE GERMAN EAGLE (to British Lion): "I warn you--a little more of this obstinacy and you'll rouse the dove in me!"
- THE DUD
- WOMAN POWER CERES: "Speed the plough!" PLOUGHMAN: "I don't know who you are, ma'am, but it's no good speeding the plough unless we can get the women to do the harvesting." (Fifty thousand more women are wanted on the land to take the place of men called to the colours, if the harvest is to be got in.)
- June, 1918.
- "COMPLETE ACCORD"; OR, ALL DONE BY KINDNESS IMPERIAL TRAINER (to his dog Karl): "Now then, no nonsense: through you go!"
- THE CELESTIAL DUD. KAISER: "Ha! A new and brilliant star added to my constellation of the Eagle!" GENERAL FOCH: "On the wane, I think." (It is anticipated in astronomical circles that the new star, Nova Aquilae, will shortly disappear.)
- A PITIFUL POSE TEUTON CROCODILE: "I do so feel for the poor British wounded. I only wish we could do more for them." "We Germans will preserve our conception of Christian duty towards the sick and wounded" --From recent remarks of the Kaiser reported by a German correspondent.)
- BOBBY (at the conclusion of dinner): "Mother, I don't know how it is, but I never seem to get that--that--nice sick feeling nowadays."
- MISTRESS (as the new troops go by): "Which of them is your cousin?" NURSEMAID (unguardedly): "I don't know yet, ma'am."
- July, 1918.
- HUN TO HUN ATTILA (to Little Willie): "Speaking as one barbarian to another, I don't recommend the neighbourhood. I found it a bit unhealthy myself." (Attila's victorious progress across Gaul was finally checked on the plains of Châlons.)
- VERY MUCH UP A Champagne Counter-Offensive
- "WAR PICTURES" THE MOTHER: "Of course, I don't understand them, dear; but they give me a dreadful feeling. I can't bear to look at them. Is it really like that at the Front?" THE WARRIOR (who has seen terrible things in battle): "Thank heaven, no, mother."
- CAMOUFLAGE OFFICER: "That's very clever. Who did it?" SERGEANT. "Oh, that's by Perkins, sir--quite an expert. Used to paint sparrows before the war and sell 'em for canaries."
- August, 1918.
- "ACCORDING TO PLAN" LITTLE WILLIE: "Well, Father wanted a war of movement, and now he's got it!"
- VON POT AND VON KETTLE GERMAN GENERAL: "Why the devil don't you stop these Americans coming across? That's your job." GERMAN ADMIRAL: "And why the devil don't you stop 'em when they are across? That's yours."
- CHILD (who has been made much of by father home on leave for the first time for two years): "Mummy dear, I like that man you call your husband."
- LATEST ADDITION TO MINISTRY STAFF: "What's the tea-time here?" CICERONE: "Usual--three to five-thirty."
- September, 1918.
- STORM DRIVEN THE KAISER: "I don't like this wind, my son. Which way is it?" THE CROWN PRINCE: "Up!"
- IN RESERVE GERMAN EAGLE (to German Dove): "Here, carry on for a bit, will you I'm feeling rather run down."
- ALARMING SPREAD OF BOBBING
- FARMER AND THE FARM LABOURER
- CADET: "Really, from the way these College Authorities make themselves at home you'd think the place belonged to them."
- October, 1918.
- SOLDIER AND CIVILIAN MARSHAL FOCH (to Messrs. Clemenceau, Wilson and Lloyd George): "If you're going up that road, gentlemen, look out for booby-traps."
- Die Nacht am Rhein
- PROSPEROUS IRISH FARMER: "And what about the War, your Riverence? Do ye think it will hould?"
- FIRST CONTEMPTIBLE: "D'you remember halting here on the retreat, George?" SECOND DITTO: "Can't call it to mind, somehow. Was it that little village in the wood there down by the river, or was it that place with the cathedral and all them factories?
- THE SANDS RUN OUT
- November, 1918.
- VICTORY!
- OUR MAN With Mr. Punch's Grateful Compliments to Field-Marshal Sir Douglas Haig.
- THE FINAL TOMMY;(ex-footballer): "We was just wipin' them off the face of the earth when Foch blows his whistle and shouts 'Temps!'"
- ARMISTICE DAY SMALL CHILD (excitedly): "Oh, Mother, what do you think? They've given us a whole holiday to-day in aid of the war."
- IN HONOUR OF THE BRITISH NAVY To commemorate the surrender of the German Fleet
- EPILOGUE
- "Don't you think we ought to hang the Kaiser, Mrs. 'Arris?" "It ain't the Kaiser I'm worrying about--it's the bloke what interjuiced his war-bacon."
- REUNITED Strasbourg, December 8th, 1918.
- RECONSTRUCTION: A NEW YEAR'S TASK
- THE 1919 MODEL MR. PUNCH: "They've given you a fine new machine, Mr. Premier, and you've got plenty of spirit, but look out for bumps."
- "How was it you never let your mother know you'd won the V.C.?" "It wasna ma turrn tae write."
- ENGLAND EXPECTS (With Mr. Punch's best hopes for the success of the National Industrial Conference.) BOTH LIONS (together): "Unaccustomed as I am to lie down with anything but a lamb, still, for the sake of the public good ... "
- THE EASTER OFFERING MR. LLOYD GEORGE (fresh from Paris): "I don't say it's a perfect egg, but parts of it, as the saying is, are excellent."
- OVERWEIGHTED PRESIDENT WILSON: "Here's your olive branch. Now get busy." DOVE OF PEACE: "Of course, I want to please everybody, but isn't this a bit thick?"
- HOW TO BRIGHTEN THE PERIOD OF REACTION MOTHER (to son who has fought on most of the Fronts): "Don't you know what to do with yourself, George? Why don't you 'ave a walk down the road, dear?" FATHER: "Ah, 'e ain't seen the corner where they pulled down Simmondses' fish-shop, 'as 'e, Ma?"
- "END OF A PERFECT 'TAG'"
- GHOSTS AT VERSAILLES
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